Petspective: Secretary

We interrupt the whole elves fucking unicorns, or whatever the shit Claire's writing these days, for something far more important. Me! And, to a lesser extent, my reviews. Now, I know what you're probably thinking given by the subject of this weeks review; “Pet, you're so awesome and sexy I need your gorgeous full bodied ass in my face!” While others, even more annoyingly are bringing up the fact that this movie isn't pornographic and that's all I've been doing. Well, to that I'll kindly tell you to...go fuck yourself. This is my review and I'll talk about whatever I want and you'll read whatever I want to tell you. So, without further adieu, the review...

Pet, isn't this a 50 Shades rip off?

Fuck you if you're even remotely looking forward to whatever fuckfest those films try and dish out for the mindless mass of sheep you are. You're MY sheep and you fucking love it that way. Anyway, here's the thing, this movie came out in 2002. Say it with me... FUCKING SAY IT WITH ME! TWO THOUSAND AND TWO. Twilight wasn't even a fucking stain on bookshelves yet when this movie was thrown out into the public. Funnily enough, it didn't do too well and I can understand for reasons I'll get to. But give 'em 50 Shades and you all eat that shit right up. But here are just a few of the commonalities that would, in fact, reverse the order of the question.

-It's about a relationship that's built on a growing passion of S&M

-The female lead is a nervous, timid POS that I wouldn't even let LOOK at my fucking bed

-There's a nerdy friend who tries to get with the girl even though he doesn't have what she needs in the end

-THE MAIN FUCKING GUY IS CALLED MR. GRAY!!!

Seriously, 50 Shades is less Twilight bullshit and more a Secretary ripoff. Poor guy who wrote and directed Secretary must be looking at 50 Shades and going “What the sweet fucking fuck?”

The cast

There's Mr. Grey, obviously, he's the dominant one. But his dominance comes as a form of him coping with his own shyness. Something he's certain he has, as he discusses with Lee. He runs through secretaries firing them when he feels they're becoming too attached all the while hating himself for it. If there is a villain in this movie it is kinda him...but at the same time it isn't. His reasons come off as believable and his reactions to it as well. He's played by James Spader and, stupid fucking sweaty nerds are going to go crazy, cause thirteen years after this flick he's voicing a giant robot thing fighting a group of heroes or whatever.

Lee is not suicidal. Just gonna point that out right now. She never intends to cut deep, she only cuts because it helps her cope through her family life. She's weak, timid, a real ass licker if I ever saw one. Seriously, five minutes of commanding this chick and she's your fucking barstool. She's messed up, not just in the mind but in appearance too. She's not...expertly played out, she comes off as too calm in some areas when she's still kind of messed (even though her voiceovers are potentially set after the fact), and she becomes pretty god damn needy. Clingy too. Strap this barstool down. She's played by Maggie Gyllenhaal, whom you can totally see naked near the end of the movie. Like...full. Her body isn't as rocking as some of us more gifted individuals, but it's passable to a degree. I prefer her more dolled up to be honest. Right when her life is turning itself around.

Peter is Lee's nerdy friend. The guy you think she's just going to wind up with because the two seem like a lovey-dovey perfect match. I mean, he has brown hair, she has brown hair. He's had a nervous breakdown and doesn't get along super well with his parents, she's...well, the same. They enjoy hanging out and...yeah. Problem is, he's trying to strike up a relationship with Lee while she's off getting her ass spanked and loving it. She tries to get him into it but he's not. He's more a traditional kind of guy. He wants a wife, children, and a normal relationship cause his own life has been fucked up. Unfortunately, things don't work out tra la la la la. Let's get to the fucking fucking.

But first...the plot!

Boo! Who the fuckity fuck fucking fuck-fuck cares about a plot when there's sex involved? *Deep groan* Alright, let's get through this. Lee comes back from a mental institute, or whatever, gets a job as a secretary for this lawyer guy. Things are cool then he starts belittling her and soon comes the kink. Oh, and there's some self discovery shit mixed in there or something. For Lee, I think.

It's not really fucking, Pet.

Fuck you. Unfortunately, don't come into this movie thinking it's going to be bondage, bondage, bondage. Bitch be wearing a collar and very little else. Because...it's more drama than sexual. There's some good ass sexual parts, don't get me wrong, you fully get to understand just what sort of relationship they have and it's a real S&M one. He tells her what to do even outside the office, she's all like “Yeah, that's awesome”. It starts off pretty soft, like I mean the movie hits it home pretty well exactly what you're in for. If you're shocked when Grey smacks Lee's ass in full grope style spanking and you're like “Fuck this” they'd be in their right to break character and yell back “Fuck you!” because you should not kinda, not pretty much, you. Should. Know. Right from the first scene. This movie's gonna involve some kinky style sex fun.

There's nothing hardcore, nothing overly sensual, it's just...kink. I know Kat likes this movie and I'm pretty sure I know why for one scene in particular. Unfortunately, right after the montage of events things take a downward spiral and you're reminded that you're watching a movie, not porn. Pissed me right the fuck off the first time 'cause I was nearly there.

Anyway, I'm not gonna treat this like a fucking porno and detail every little scene since this one should be a little easier for you all Petters to get a hold of. So do it. Don't look to me. No, in fact, fucking look at me as you do it.

Lee's Mental State By The End: Fuck you again, find out for yourselves. Just know you'll either be happy or angry with it. There will be no “meh” here.

Screenshots